WoW 122: On what happens in therapy, Psychotherapy Series, Part 1 [Words of Wisdom]

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Words of Wisdom 1 22 on what happens in therapy Psychotherapy series.

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Part one.

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I have deep respect for my clients and

for anyone who does psychotherapy, why

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they're embarking on an intentional

path to grow in wisdom, and many never

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take such a courageous inward journey.

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Yet when first starting out, it's not so

obvious what actually happens in therapy.

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So I thought I'd share some high

level thoughts that applies to

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psychotherapy, no matter the

treatment modality the therapist uses.

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Here are a few of the elements and

dynamics that take place in therapy to

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help you think about the process and

how you might apply it in other domains.

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Rigorous honesty.

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The best therapy occurs when you're

ready to be rigorously honest and dare

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to look yourself, your suffering, your

darkness, and your struggles in the eye.

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We are social creatures and we'll

hit ceilings to our growth if

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we do not talk about our lives.

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The most amazing things can happen

when you give words to something that

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you've never been able to speak before.

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Healing happens when you can speak

out secrets, you can gain unique

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perspective simply by talking.

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Through, talking in an intentional,

regular, and open way, you'll

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explore old and new territory,

develop new language, create new

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narratives, and choose to be known.

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Discovery.

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In therapy, you will learn about

yourself, others, and the truth.

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There are many ideas, frameworks,

and skills that are a part of

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healing and human flourishing.

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"Everything is grist for

the mill" is a mindset.

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Good therapists hold where everything

that occurs in a session is important

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and can be used to help the client.

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What is said, how it is said, what

isn't said, complaints or criticisms

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of the client towards the therapist,

how a client starts or ends a

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session, anything can be used.

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Therapy can be seen as a

microcosm of what is happening

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with the client out in the world.

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Helping the client uncover hidden

dynamics that are affecting them, and

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patterns of behavior that impact others

is an important part of good therapy.

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Feedback therapy is powerful when

you receive actionable, wise,

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timely and profound feedback.

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Feedback is critical because as a client

you don't know what you don't know,

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and there are plenty of things you know

you don't know and need perspective on.

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Part of the art of therapy is the

timing of giving specific feedback,

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knowing when not to give feedback,

and part of it is knowing how to give

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feedback in the form of questions.

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Questions.

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One of the powerful dynamics

of therapy is it's bent towards

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therapists asking insightful questions.

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Reflecting on powerful questions, helps

bring discovery like nothing else.

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Radical new insight can burst into

being through a simple question.

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You can discover entirely new

ways of seeing yourself, a loved

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one or a perplexing situation by

reflecting on a well-crafted question.

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Practice specific skills are

learned through practice.

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It is one thing to show up to a therapy

session and talk and learn during the

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session, but when you combine this with

practicing specific skills in between

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sessions, your growth can skyrocket

because you'll be intentionally

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applying what you're learning.

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Some of the feedback you receive

in therapy will be very specific,

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helping you take immediate action.

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This will help you practice

growing in specific skills.

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Applying the truth, we grow when we

consistently take meaningful action.

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We become more virtuous

by practicing virtue.

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We become more confident by

taking courageous action.

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We become more honest by experiencing

the benefits of confession.

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We become more responsible by

owning our behavior and taking

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initiative by combining intentional

practice of specific skills.

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With talk therapy, clients can

experience a radical transformation

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in a matter of months.

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Virtuous growing in virtue is a power law.

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Investing in virtue gives you outsized

positive returns in your life.

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Virtues are so significant

because everything good in your

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life depends on your character.

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If you don't invest in growing in

virtue, eventually it catches up to you.

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When your character

grows, you grow in peace.

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Contentment, joy and hope.

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Regardless of if you have outward

success in life, if you lack specific

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virtues, you will be miserable.

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Good therapy will help you become a

more pure, loving, patient, gentle,

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courageous, worshipful, peaceful person.

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Christian.

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Some therapists make the idealistic

error that their worldview does not

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impact or influence their clients.

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This is impossible.

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I think it's helpful and

honest for a therapist to be

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transparent about their worldview.

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Many will disagree with my

worldview, and that is okay.

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Ideal therapy, in my biased opinion, is

Christian in its foundational approach.

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Why?

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Because a Christian approach best values

truth, trust, indomitable hope, and love.

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The sacrificial love modeled by

Christ is stunning and is the

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microcosm of human flourishing.

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This does not mean that as a Christian

therapist, I need my client to be

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a Christian or become a Christian.

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It means, in part, therapy is best

when it helps you go all in and

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identify and seek to surrender your

strongholds of selfishness, dishonesty,

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resentment, fear, and distorted thinking.

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Spiritual strongholds destroy you and

create chaos in the war for your soul.

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Experiencing a loving, consistent, safe

and skilled relationship such as what

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happens in good therapy, can help you

grow spiritual fruit of love, joy, peace,

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patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness,

and self-control loving presence.

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The best therapists genuinely

love and respect their clients.

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The client is seen as the acorn and the

therapist is part of the soil that will

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help the acorn become the oak tree.

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That healthy soil, that loving

presence, shows up through the smallest

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kindness, specific encouragement

and affirmation, and giving what we

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call unconditional positive regard.

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A loving relationship is fundamental

to a safe and welcoming environment

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for the courageous work of therapy.

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If the therapist doesn't genuinely

love and respect their client, their

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desire to want the client to change

or to be a certain way will poison the

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essential ground of having a loving,

caring, and supportive environment.

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If the therapist does love the

client right where they are.

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They can authentically engage with and

encourage the client in a powerful way.

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Quotes.

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The curious paradox is that when

I accept myself just as I am, then

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I can change by Carl Rogers in

his book on becoming a person, a

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therapist's view of psychotherapy.

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I'm very often asked why at the age of

85 I continue to practice psychotherapy.

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My work with patients enriches my life

in that it provides meaning in life.

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Rarely do I hear therapists

complain of a lack of meaning.

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We live lives of service in which we

fix our gaze on the needs of others.

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We take pleasure not only in

helping our patients change, but

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also in hoping their changes will

ripple beyond them, towards others.

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We're also privileged by our

role as cradlers of secrets.

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Every day,

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patients grace us with their

secrets, often never before shared.

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The secrets provide a backstage view of

the human condition without social frills

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role-playing bravado or stage posturing.

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Being entrusted with such secrets

is a privilege given to very few.

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Sometimes the secrets scorch

me and I go home and hold my

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wife and count my blessings.

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Moreover, our work provides the

opportunity to transcend ourselves

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and to envision the true and tragic

knowledge of the human condition.

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But we are offered even more.

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We become explorers immersed in the

grandest of pursuits, the development

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and maintenance of the human mind.

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Hand in hand with patience,

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we savor the pleasure of discovery,

the aha experience when disparate

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ideational fragments suddenly slide

smoothly together into a coherent

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whole by Irving Yalom in his book

Becoming Myself a Psychiatrist's memoir.

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Questions.

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What questions might you be

avoiding asking yourself?

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Are there any important areas in life

where you're struggling to say no?

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How does your struggle to

say no impact your life?

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What lies are you believing or

stories are you telling yourself

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that empower your struggle to say no?

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Use these questions as a journal

prompt and to guide your prayers

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this week, and note whether you do

psychotherapy or not seeking integrity.

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Being in relationships that help you

reflect and practicing a curious and

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compassionate self-inquiry is essential

for your ability to become more whole.

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Live wisely.

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Josh.